The Things I'll Do For Free Cookies and Juice

When my kids speak at my funeral (and my kids will speak at my funeral), it'll probably go something like this:

Sebastian: Dad was a man who liked to make people laugh and feel good on the inside. I mean he was gay. Am I right, ladies?

[silence; crickets faintly chirping in the background]

Sebastian: [nervously clears throat] He was also a man who gave and well as received.

Leela: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Sebastian: I remember a story my dad told me about the time he gave back to the community. The date was June 27, 2007. The weather was hot and muggy. You stepped outside and you didn't know whether you were breathing water or air. My father, God bless his soul, got a firm-wide e-mail from the Benefits manager asking for volunteers to give blood.

[passionately] Give blood. [short pause]

My father, the good Samaritan, thought, "You know what? I'm going to do my part." And with his fists on his hip posing like Superman, my father loudly proclaimed, "I will give blood!"

Audience: Tell it, preacher!

[Sebastian takes the microphone from the holder and walks in front of the podium. A gospel choir rises up from the floor softly humming.]

Sebastian: [breathing in the power of a Baptist preacher] So he marched down, down with a purpose to the 4th floor multi-purpose conference room and he filled out that form. That form that asked such questions as "what is your birthday?", and "have you ever felt the warm touch of a man?". A manly man.

Gospel Choir: [singing] Manly man. Manly man.

Sebastian: My father told that form, "No, no, NO! I have never had intimate relations with a man." My father was a good man, but he was also a liar. A liar! For the betterment of mankind!

Gospel Choir: [singing] Liar, liar! Pants on fire!

Sebastian: So they pricked him and prodded him and took his blood pressure!

Gospel Choir: [singing] Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze! Squeeze that fist!

Sebastian: And when that bag was full, the nurse held it above his head and proclaimed, "I name thee Agamemnon!" And my father covered his eyes, for the light was too bright! Those compact fluorescent light can get really bright.

Gospel Choir: [singing] Do not look directly into the sun!

[The gospel choir softens their singing back to a soft hum]

Sebastian: It was all over. The deed had been done. He gave them his blood and now he felt empty. He needed something to fill the void. They led his frail body to a table with juice and cookies. As he ate Christ's body and drank his blood he felt new life growing inside him. He had been saved.

[Sebastian goes quiet and sounds of the audience's tears and sniffles can be heard through the airport]

The man before us in this solid gold coffin was not a man of God. He was God.

[Audience clamors to their feet and clap wildly]

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So the moral of the story is: Don't have breeder children. They're just going to ruin your funeral like they did mine.

Oh, and donate blood.